Halloween Twitter Extravaganza.....OF DOOM

Ah, Halloween, my favorite holiday.  It's the only time of year when someone can dress up as a nightmarish figure and wander around the neighborhood without being branded a stalker or pervert.  As an added bonus, children are encouraged to put themselves into sugar-induced comas, and we all know that coma patients are a perennial favorite among the undead.  As much fun as it is to stalk our victims as we traditionally do, sometimes you just don't feel like shambling after someone and want a nice easy meal.  People in comas are our equivalent to microwave dinners.

When I was still a member of the living breathing sacks of meat group, I used to enjoy the annual Top 100 Scariest Movie Moments that aired on Bravo.  I was something of a horror movie buff, so this was right up my alley.

That changed when I was, you know, brutally assaulted by a zombie and turned into one of the undead.  It's hard to get frightened by a guy with a butcher knife when all you can think about is, "Why is he going after that woman, there's a much tastier-looking man in the next room over!"

As a tribute to this former favorite of mine, I've decided to post via Twitter the Top Ten Scariest Movie Moments to Zombies.  These are the moments that make the living dead feel that creeping sensation run down our spines.  You can thank me later for such an in-depth examination into the zombie psyche.

From now until Halloween I'll be posting these moments, so be sure to check back frequently.  If you don't, I swear that I'll track you down and peel the flesh from your muscles before devouring your tasty innards.  Even if you do I'll still do that to you, but at least we'll have something to discuss pleasantly during the process.

Undead vs. Living #1: Celebrities

We've all seen the pictures and videos.  Celebrities, especially women, like to show off a lot of skin when they're walking down the aisle of those fake award shows and movie premiers and the line leading towards the adoption office responsible for children from some country that doesn't appear on any self-respecting globe.  Theoretically, showing off the goods is supposed to make these women appear to be sexy and glamorous.  Or maybe it's just meant to give the gents erections in public so that hilarity will ensue.  Whatever the reason, they're forgetting one crucial fact.

Being that close to naked makes you a prime target for zombie attacks.

Don't believe me?  Do the math yourself.  What is it that zombies like to consume?  That's right, human flesh.  What are these celebrities shoving in our faces?  Lots of human flesh.  It's akin to smacking a bear in the face with fresh salmon.  That never ends up well for the salmon.

This all applies to your usual breed of zombie, of course.  I tend to avoid the celebrities myself.  There's just not a lot of meat on the bones.  I mean, can you imagine trying to make a tasty treat out of, say, Callista Flockhart?  Great actress, loved her in her guest appearance on The Practice back in the day, but come on, there's more edible material in a Chicken McNugget.  There's probably more edible material in the box the Chicken McNugget came in.

If I had to choose a celebrity to devour, though, I'd probably go with Emeril.  Yes, someone like Jorge Garcia would be more filling, but Emeril would know exactly which spices to apply to himself for that special dining experience.  BAM! 

There is Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself...and Zombies

Oh, pish posh, pay no attention to the title of this, my very first blog entry.  You have absolutely nothing to fear from us, the folks of undead persuasion.  In fact, I would encourage you to stop fleeing in terror at the mere sight of us and instead embrace us as fellow members of the human race.  We are technically still members of the human race, you know.  The entire reason that we reach out with grasping hands when we encounter a living being is because we want to give everyone a nice big hug and let you know that everything will be all right.

Hello, my name is Mitch, and I'm something of a self-appointed representative for the zombie race.  You'll notice that I have rather strong hand-eye coordination since I am able to actually type up this blog, and I'm sure that you've observed by now that I'm just slightly more intelligent than your average living dead.  I would like to say that my being the way that I am disproves the stereotype that my people suffer under, but alas, this simply would not be true.  I assure you that I'm quite unique among my kind.

I'm here on the interwebs to spread a message of peace, a message of kindness, and a message of equality.  For far too long, we zombies have been separated from our still-breathing colleagues, and I believe that it's high time that we...

Okay, you know what?  This is asinine.  I thought that I could get through this with a straight face, but I see that I was dead (blatantly obvious pun) wrong about that.  So let's try this again.

Hello, my name is Mitch, and as the most intelligent and twisted member of the zombie hordes, I'm going to one day eat your face.  Ah, there, it's just so much more satisfying to put all the cards on the table and not hold anything back for the sake of courtesy.

On this blog, I'll be detailing my own personal rampage through the world, leaving no stone unturned as I seek to live life (unlife?) as no zombie before me has and no zombie after me will.  I'm told that the majority of my story will be told in the Undead Plague series by Tim Sprague, starting with the book Zombies by the Numbers: The Writer's Cut.  As I understand it, that particular book is being shopped around to agents even as I write this, so if you know of a reputable agent that's looking for a rather...unique manuscript, send he/she/it my way and I'll make sure that the writer gets the message.

Now that I've gotten the obligatory advertising out of the way, be sure to check back from time to time to see what hijinks I get into.  My life is a lot like that of Scooby Doo, except that I don't scare easily and I'd eat both the Scooby Snacks and the person handing them out.  I also don't have a pot-smoking hippie companion that constantly has the munchies, but since I've recently eaten someone fitting that description we'll just go ahead and run with it.

Until then, I've posted a slide show demonstrating exactly what it is that your typical zombie will do upon seeing a living person.  I understand that it's a heavy subject and that you might already have family members that have been devoured by the undead, so I replaced the cannibalistic rotting corpses with cute little kittens and the victims of said cannibalistic rotting corpses with still more cute little kittens.  Rest assured that no kittens were harmed in the making of the slides, although they all suffered from mysterious disappearances after the slides were completed.

Toodles for now!